Depression Diaries

Warning: This post is not meant for people who are under depression for it may not sprinkle all the stress busting words that need to be said to such pitiable souls.

I always wished to not to get employed as soon as I graduated; for I believe one should have a little gap in between to enjoy the ‘free’ tag where neither you are bound to attend the classes nor you are worried if you’ll get the leave from your office for the day(s) that your family has been asking you to take for the past several days.

I was told that it’s not as such ‘the golden period’ but I didn’t bother.

And it did happen the same way as I wished it to be. Just that it wasn’t as free as I thought it to be. Just after my final year exams, I was standing face-to-face with the dreaded question - What next? And I was as clueless as ever. I was doing all that I should be doing to get over the ‘unemployed’ tag but the dark tunnel/phase seemed to have no end.

I don’t know if I can term that feeling as ‘depression’ for I don’t know the gravity of that feeling, but I like to consider it as Depression. (Whereas somewhere deep down in my heart I know that it wasn’t depression but an extended-stress-period) The reason for this is that I don’t want to beleive that there is something even worse than that sinking feeling. Before that phase, I used to consider myself as a mentally strong person and advised many a person to not to take tension and how it is in your hand to keep your stresses away. But you never know until you go through it all yourself.

I think there are degrees of the level of depression and according to me, I was in the milder stage. So, whatever I write happened in its slightest form and not in the serious proportions.

And my experience goes like:

From the eyes of a depressed soul, all the world around seems to be so happy whereas you are still fighting it out to put that hearty smile on your face (not literally but the lingering feeling of happiness is what you fail to experience). That sorrowful feeling coming back, again and again. I used to not feel like talking much to other people; my mind used to wander in its own future-tension-world. A little buzzing sound occasionally played out in the mind as if to suggest that too much noise has been generated in the mind.

It may be for once-or-so but I faintly remember that there was this sinking feeling coming out of nowhere that made me feel like crying for no substantial reason (I call it emotional breakdown).

[I feel like an over-thinking beast that draws conclusions with no legitimate knowledge base. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense while writing it all coming out with heavy words like - DEPRESSION, emotional breakdown, buzzing sound (“What’s that?” you might be thinking).]

I have read in several columns that people who are depressed go silent and don’t share this fact with people around, instead others spot out the changed behaviour of the person and convince the victim to take treatment. But mine was not the case so, I almost bored my sibling(s) by constantly reminding that I’m depressed, how worried I’m about my future, making them realise how difficult my life is at the moment.

Although, this conversation was in a light spirit, but I even asked one of them to bear my expenses if I failed to secure a job, to which I got a straight ‘NO’.

I don't know the exact term for that phase of my life but it would certainly get counted in the not-so-good days of my life.